word-by-word, letter-by-letter sometimes, i am putting the past few years down. turning unarticulated impressions into thoughts is arduous when you’re both as impressionable and as tangled-up as i am. i should quickly say, though, that it’s worth it because i’m worth the effort. i’m committing myself to untangling the knots and thinking about the unthinkable, toilsome as it may be.
writing, even (especially) creative writing, holds a place in my toolbox as i approach this task because writing keeps a foot in both the world of impression and the world of reality. writing things down means reconciling those two enemies, making them play and work well together. the alternative is a disassociation of the internal from the external. and nobody likes a sea-cucumber.
what a mess.
Huh. Not even other sea cucumbers? and don’t get me wrong, i like being disliked as much as anyone i know, but what you’re doing is worth the time and even if it wasn’t, you should still do it for the resonance. are you a dualist? i can’t decide by all the words of yours I’ve read. I’m leaning towards yes, but if it ain’t too much trouble or too personal, i’d be fascinated to know.
thanks for the comment! i’m not sure what a dualist is, in the sense you’re using it. sometimes i get really platonic about stuff (ideals, forms, etc.) and there are some theological ideas floating around in my head that involve some dualism. so… maybe.
but here’s the thing about dualism: taken to extremes, it leads to dissociation. as in, multiple people in the same head.
as in, “yeah, i did those things, but that’s not who i really AM.”
or as in, “yeah… i’m not in touch with my own history and can’t really tell my own story very well, so i don’t even really know who i am now, because i don’t know who i have been, all along.”
when i think about all those statements in quotes, i think of how sea cucumbers vomit their own guts out to deter potential predators. a defense mechanism. an inside/outside split. so in some sense, dualist or not, writing down all those thoughts that don’t (or didn’t) make sense helps me be more honest with myself and others. it improves personal cohesion.
if you’re a sea cucumber, that might or might not make sense. i’m not sure.